Okay, last post of the day. This is the final installment of the introduction to this blog.
You may be asking yourselves the following:
Why is this stupid girl saying she enjoys being a Junkie? Is she for real? What made her use Heroin in the first place?
First of all, yes, I am for real.
Second of all, I am a Junkie because I want to be a Junkie. You know the old saying (in defense of Junkie's actually) that nobody wants to be a Junkie? Well, in my case, that is actually untrue. The first time I can remember wanting to be a Heroin addict is in the 8th grade. I don't remember what exactly was the specific thing I heard, saw, etc. that led me to this, but I think that it's a combination of both Lenny Bruce and anti-drug videos/magazines. There was something so dangerous and alluring about Heroin. I loved the stigma associated with Heroin. I think that I wanted to be on the outside of our dying culture.
Soon enough I was doing research all about Heroin from the internet/books. I actually still have the notebook that I made in high school describing step-by-step how to inject Heroin. I don't think I'll ever get rid of that notebook. I just think it is so funny that I actually did that. (I also started writing a novel about a Heroin addict - pretty much a story of how I wanted my life to be - and it wasn't all good stuff that happened to him) Anyway, aside from the logistics of Heroin use, I looked into what it did to people. Before I used, I was fully aware of what happens to most people who use Heroin: They get addicted and their lives are a mess. When I say I did research, I mean I did A LOT of research. I knew more about Heroin than many addicts probably knew and definitely more than the brainwashed-by-the-government non-addicts. I was excited to enter into my life of junkiedom. Only problem was I had no idea where to get Heroin from. The only drug you could get in my high school was pot. Eventually I found other drugs from going to festivals and meeting people (at the beach usually). Still, no Heroin. Sometimes I felt as if I was addicted before I even tried it. I could feel a yearning and longing to do Heroin in my stomach and heart. But, time went by and it isn't like Heroin was all that I ever thought about. I lived a normal life. Went to college...etc.
It was in college that I actually had my first taste. It was the end of freshman year (18 years old) and my friend (an opiate enthusiast) came across some while in New York City. He knew I wanted to try it, also, so he brought some back for me. I didn't inject it (sniffed it), but it was amazing. I did get nauseous, but it was no big deal. Shit, I have a weak tolerance for that nausea, because even now I still get nauseous very often from Heroin. Well, that was just a one time thing, because he never came across it again. (Actually we did inject oxys twice, but I'm not really a big fan of pills).
It wasn't until the beginning of Junior year (19 years old) that I came across a steady connection. Me and two friends were hanging out. One of them and I had consumed quite a bit of (sniffed) coke that night and it was 4am and we were hanging out on the stairs outside of our apartment building in a bad neighbourhood. A couple of guys walked by and my one friend (who never used Heroin before either but was curious, just not to the extent I was - actually I think it's my fault that I piqued his curiousity, but that's another story) asked if he knew where to get "that White Horse" from? Well, can you believe my luck? He was a Heroin dealer. (I said to my friend, see this is why I always carry cash on me, because you never know.) And thus started the beginning of my addiction. (I miss you Shaun! Where the hell did you go?)
That was quite an explanation just to explain that it is quite clear that my Heroin use was never out of peer pressure. Hell! When I started I didn't even know any other users. And yes, I sought it out all on my own. So many people could not believe that I did this. Everyone knows I have bad anxiety and they're all like how could you just go up to someone and ask? Well, for Heroin I would do anything.
Funny story: I actually had a group of friends at the time who weren't exactly thrilled that I was using Heroin, but were still my friends (we did kinda fizzle apart because I was lost in the world of addiction) and when I had been using for about a week, I said to them after taking a sniff (didn't start injecting 'till about three weeks in - only because I had to acquire some needles and I didn't realise how easy it was to get them at the time - I got mine online the first time, after that I started going to the Needle Exchange) "I can't believe it, I finally accomplished my goal in life." And I meant it. As pathetic and sad as it may have seemed to them, it was the truth. I felt at peace.
I was officially a Junkie...and the world was as it should be.
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