I wish no one cared about me. I have to stop using - at least for now and who knows how long after that - because they care about me. Do I care about them? Deep down I truly don't believe that I do. But I care enough to want to at least feign the idea that I do care. I think that this might not even be caring...more like self-preservation and anxiety. I don't want to deal with their worries and judgements. I can't wait for the day that everyone who cares about me dies. When that day comes I will be reunited with the one thing in my life that has ever truly made me happy.
Maybe it seems sad and pathetic to you...
Well, you don't know how I feel. You don't know the workings of my brain. Maybe Heroin isn't the thing that brings you happiness, but it's the only thing that brings me joy.
And yes, I realise how much of an awful person I must sound like. Saying that I can't wait for people to die, especially people who care about me. Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that I don't think I am a very good person. People who meet me think I am just the nicest person and so caring and thoughtful. But, I'm not. It's all for show. I act like that, because that is how you are supposed to act. I don't want people to know how awful I am, because to have no feelings about others is judged socially wrong. Actually, more than that it is judged morally wrong. But, I can't help it if on the inside I am ugly. I can't help if I don't care about other people. Really this is an internal struggle with me. Sometimes I wonder if I really do care...I might, I get really emotional sometimes...I don't know. I'm boring you probably...
Anyway, I really hate people as a whole. I can't stand being in crowded places. I'm the person walking alone through the mall muttering under her breath about how much she hates being in the mall around all these stupid people. I guess I can't say that I don't enjoy the company of individual people, but I don't make much of an effort to get in touch with people.
Wow, I really got off topic there. In summation, I want to do Heroin but too many people who I probably don't even care about care too much about me for me to do it...Makes a lot of sense don't it?
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